


Secret Report: Day 356

by AmadeusRex



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Existential Angst, Gen, Suicidal Ideation?, Xion talking about her death and disappearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 13:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmadeusRex/pseuds/AmadeusRex
Summary: I love Roxas and Axel.Authored by Xion the day before she died.





	Secret Report: Day 356

I love Roxas and Axel.

I’m not supposed to. I’m not supposed to feel, I’m not supposed to even know what love is. But I love them.

I feel something deep within me stir when I think of them. It’s the same feeling that brown-haired boy— _Sora_ —feels in his memories of Riku and that girl with the red hair cut like mine— _Kairi_. And Sora had a heart, he _has_ a heart, so I know that’s what I feel, what I felt. But I can’t listen to those feelings any longer.

I love my friends. I cherish every memory made on that clock tower, every sea salt ice cream we shared, every last drop of golden sunset. I could not possibly love the time I’ve spent with Roxas and Axel any more than I already do.

But I have to go on.

Sora will never wake if I don’t disappear. Sora will never be able to feel that love again if I don’t disappear. I don’t want that for him. I want him to live his life, a full, happy life I will never be able to live.

I am without a heart, yet I love.

I feel Sora’s memories overwhelming me, see my face changing into his in the mirror. I have no other choice. Tomorrow, I’m going to fight Roxas. If his last memories of me are bad, then he won’t miss me, at least not as much. And he’ll tell Axel what happened, and then no one will miss me. Nobody will miss me.

I will be just another fallen pawn in Xemnas’ plan.

I will miss Roxas and Axel so, so much. Immeasurably. I feel pangs of guilt already, tearing at me, rending me apart. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with them forever. But what I want doesn’t matter. I need to go back to Sora.

Will I be myself again? Will I just…disappear? Will I be able to remember anything at all? I don’t know which is worse: not existing at all, or existing but not living. It would be easier to not exist, because then I wouldn’t have to miss my friends. But I never want to forget them.

I don’t want to die.

But this is my fate. I am a puppet, and I have been controlled by others from the moment I was born. I must play my part. There is no other option.

There was never any other option.

It’s time for me to go.

**Author's Note:**

> Directly inspired by Secret Report: Day 352: What I Must Do. You can read it [here.](https://www.khwiki.com/Secret_Reports/Reports_by_author#Day_352:_What_I_Must_Do)


End file.
